Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

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Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers