Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

Me irl

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.