[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”