Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

I just want an internship man

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.