[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Well, this explains it:
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators