[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?