Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

The best plant holders?

me in a relationship:

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.