Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

when she block me on everything

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap