[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My background check bounced.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Stop it! 😂
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket