Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

Only Americans understand

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

calling in to work dehydrated

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop