Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.