*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?