(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
dude it’s called proctologist
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
