Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it