(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.