(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?