Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Leftovers are for quitters!