*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.