*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Festive toon…
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.