*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
You Might Also Like
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
it was a valiant fight
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!