Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

That was easy.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

opening a flower shop called women in stem

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

don’t message me unless you have this energy