Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.