Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I have two kinds of followers

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows