Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh