Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

look at me when i’m typing to you

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Me: how are you

Friday: good

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.