Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!