[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Brb my Sims are getting married
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine