Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Breaking news:

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis