[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…