Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Body by Oreos

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.