Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes