[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”