[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
When does CPR become necrophilia?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
me when I see my crush
Breaking news:
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
There is wisdom there.