Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Sing it!

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.