[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
decorating my apartment
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
fourth time’s the charm
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.