Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Weirdos gonna weird.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping