Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
her dad: so how did you two meet?
me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb