@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

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@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@HansomeHoosier

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb