Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

The struggle is real.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.