Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Art by Pastelkatto

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Huge, if true.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub