[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.