[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.