Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂