[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
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Saturday
That 👊
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.