Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next