My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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you will never know the true number of layers
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.