Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?