Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”