[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.