[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
mumsnet is amazing
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My boss called in sick of me
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*