[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir