[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably