Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Bro what is this

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.