[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen