Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]