[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
what day is it?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.