Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Just had my nails done!

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true