[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.