@linkindrinkin

[first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that’s not what she meant

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@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@velvettusk

? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ?

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@captainkalvis

You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

@girl_a_whirl

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

@MicheleAKALips

You never realize what have till its gone……..

Toilet paper is a good example of this.

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@Cheeseboy22

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”