I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?