Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
her: so, do you swing?
me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw
her husband: that’s not what she meant
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
You are ground down
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses
Me (an idiot): you must be very strong
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
You never realize what have till its gone……..
Toilet paper is a good example of this.
*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”