pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.