[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .