Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Lmaoo 😂

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

“That’s what” – She

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

#parenting

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.