[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
spicy snake
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
