[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them