Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Maths meets science

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”