[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?