Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle