Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.