[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?