[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
You Might Also Like
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Bear knowledge
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.