Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what