Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Fat chances are my favorite chances

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.