Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

what the hell girl, sure

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.