@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

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@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

@MableGertrude

I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

@FlyJ_

I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@AliciaHawkes

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

@Glennot73

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.