First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”