First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

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“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.


I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.


I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.


Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”


Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors


I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.


[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]


A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.


me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there


DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.