First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome