First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I never know how much to tip a cow.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A completely valid reaction tbh
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.