[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”