Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.