Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]