[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I’m tired tomorrow.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.