Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Based Erika

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions