Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap